I needed to write tonight before retiring dear readers whoever you may still be. To write on Caringbridge does not always fill the need for unexpressed emotions indeed.
What does one's day look like when you roll out of bed early and see the constant pile of papers and documents to be filed and put way neatly on the other side of this huge bed that your beloved husband used to sleep in. Rotten ! Why have I not organized this yet so that my precious boys can lay on my bed and talk to me or reminisce about their Dad, or watch a show he used to like. I don't know - perhaps I am scared of losing the memories of him being there, and replace them with new ones. Perhaps I am just too lazy and became too much of a procrastinator like he was, and could not be bothered to do the work.
Challenges on how to parent a teenage boy when nearby there is no-one really close to teach them how to grow up into a man. I know some men who are husbands of my friends, but most of the time I do not like to intrude on their family time. You say that is ridiculous, but it's not. I do not think I would like a widow asking my husband for help. Yet it is what God's word says to do. Mmmmm- stirring I think, maybe too much.
How can I get inside the head of an almost 8 year old who is missing his Daddy like crazy but who does not have the words to express it, so instead bubbles up like a volcano full of wrath and lashes out at everyone who is closest to him, but has fun with those he does not really do 'life' with? He is one incredibly smart, amazing child so full of energy that needs to be let out.
As I lay there and think long into the night, of the roof that may need repairs, the inside handyman work that needs to be done in the next 10 days, and other worries - I just do not know where to start. Yes I have made significant steps to start detoxing my home of all the "things" that have built up during the last 3 years of fighting cancer as a family unit, but think if I had not let it build up around me during that time I would have less stress now. Ugh - who's to know.
Researching for a child's career that is 5 years down the road and trying to get inside his head so you can help him understand it is not all about him or just what he likes to do , but needs to be something that will inspire others too, as well as be work he enjoys and pays the bills. This is heavy stuff to face each day. Wow God sure knew what he was doing when he created Man and Woman together to face life and all the difficulties of each day.
I want my home to be full of laughter again like when my son and my husband were still here that first year of my baby boy's life. I do not want to be upset or Miss. Perfectionist, but just Mummy hugging and loving on these blessings God trusted me with. The Holy Spirit and grace are much needed gifts in our home hourly.
I want to sing from the mountain tops that He is Alive, yet bow before Him in humble worship, then in the next second want to lead others into His presence and sense the Lord's overwhelming , consuming love that He has for each one of us. Worshiping my Savior is what I love to do best and is an incredible stress release for me.
May I re-learn to breathe in the oxygen of the love of the Lord again in every area of my life and heart, may I learn to live with my whole heart and not just a part. May the Joy of the Lord be my strength , physically, mentally and spiritually.