Remembering My Little Man

16^th October 2016

So, I am sitting here with noise all around me, pretty much like the night I was up most of the night with a very sick little boy. I had spent the weekend caring for Brendon after returning from a short vacation in Mackinac City with Walt and Daniel. We had had a tumultuous time on that vacation, not sure when Brendon would be vomiting, or fall or pass out. He was growing thinner each day and weaker too. We didn’t know what was wrong with him. He had developed a weariness of eating as he did not want to vomit it all up yet again.

This evening is different though from that one 12 years ago (17^th October 2006). I am in a different state, I am not 10 weeks pregnant and feeling nauseous myself, and Walt, Brendon’s Daddy is not even here to remember these moments with me. I’m sure he could recount it over and over and remember the pictures of B’s face and physique that evening and the days following.

Some folks will think I should not even be thinking about that ordinary day that suddenly changed to an extraordinary day and became the turning point of our lives for the next two years and forever afterwards. Well I found that when I have met and talked to people who have lost their children through the last twelve years that most of them/us all feel the same way. We still want to remember and honor our child. No, we don’t want to idolize our child or spouse who died, but some days we want to be heard, we want to talk about them.

I remember his sweet blue eyes full of wisdom especially at a young age. He would look up at you even from just being a crawler, smile Big and Wide and scoot over to you to snuggle. He loved his big brother Daniel and when old enough to walk followed him everywhere and copied most of what he was doing. Of course, Andrew once born and about 1 year old did the same thing and followed B everywhere and copied him too, when he could. I see traces of Brendon’s character in Andrew’s nature but some of them have disappeared now.

I have been re-reading the journal entries on CaringBridge that I wrote 12 years ago. Its sad that all the visitor’s comments have disappeared since the website was re-done, but its okay too. So many crazy thoughts must have rallied through my mind and heart whilst writing those updates. I was pregnant at the time and couldn’t share that information either.  I remember Walt was so frustrated as he couldn’t work and be occupied, instead was caring for a busy 5-year-old. He did a great job too. I remember we were both overwhelmed often late at night, and would talk about the what-if’s, and why this medicine works in this way and perhaps there was another opportunity we should delve into, or just lie silently until sleep came eventually.

Our son’s head would never be the same and would always have scars to show his battle wounds, but some hair grew back eventually thankfully. He lost his hair, his eyebrows and of course his beautiful eyelashes. We saw more heaviness and sadness in his eyes during chemo when his eyes were deep set in his face. I met people who would never normally be a part of our daily lives but who had decided to work in the “caregiving”, hospice or nursing field because of their compassionate heart. Many a hug was given to me by a visiting nurse. My favorite I remember was Joy. Brendon loved her tremendously and giggled immensely when she was trying to draw labs.

The Summer of 2008 was a busy one but full of family times on our Make-A-Wish Trip to the Grand Canyon, and family visiting too from New Zealand. No one ever wanted to say goodbye to B either, but just see you again sometime. Brendon met Joey Keller and his mama during the summer of 2008 too and they got to know each other a little bit better during those months.

Brendon would be all of 15 years old now and doing who knows what! I am more of a “helicopter pilot” mama now than I ever wanted to be. I have let go of more recently some of the reins that I held tightly for many years. It is hard to watch my boys not know the answers to some of their questions and I don’t know them either. In heaven the Lord will not even have to reveal that, but we will see it right away and our “eyes will be opened” to a dimension we have never seen before.

I pray often for other parents I have met along my journey who have lost their children or grandchildren to disease, or accident or sudden death. Praying with people seems to be the best way I can reach out and comfort. I don’t have advice for how they will be able to cope with daily life but can just share my story. Looking back and having lost both my son, and my husband has taken a toll on my “faith” walk and that has been wobbly at certain stages in the last 3 years. The Holy Spirit reminds me often through a song playing on the radio, or a snippet of a sermon, or something I read in a magazine, that He is still ultimately in charge. I would still say I would take Brendon and his short life, and my sweet husband Walt and our 17-year marriage all over again if that was the path that I was always supposed to have to get where I am today.

I am always on the lookout for fresh ways to remember my boy and never to forget him or the promise I made to “NOT GIVE UP!” I was blessed to receive a necklace last Christmas with the “Portraits of Hope” photograph inside the pendant to wear, and it reminds me of when there were three boys being shepherded on earth by us.  I always love to share about the boy with the amazing smile.

No matter how tomorrow looks or how I feel, heaven is full of people that I love and miss. I need to keep on keeping on, I need to keep parenting and teaching Daniel and Andrew, Brendon’s brothers, and following the example of Christ and resting in Him, allowing the Lord to continue to change me into who I need to become. One day at a time and some days are one hour at a time.

I would like to encourage you personally if you know of a family in your church or community who have recently had a major loss of a child or parent, to step up and be Jesus to them in the middle of their holiday season. You may not know what to say to them but perhaps just hug them, shed a tear, offer to babysit if you know them well enough, or bring over a few pre-made frozen dinners and a basket of fruit. It will mean so much to their family.

The boys and I are continually adjusting to the warmer southern climate we now live in and some of the different traditions and ways of the south. We miss the fall colors and cooler days of the Midwest. However, this is I believe where we are supposed to be. The Lord has always had his hand guiding and leading our family. We would appreciate you praying during this season of festivals, and holidays, and travelling mercies for our whole Indiana family and our “new to us” blended family, if you do think of us. Thank you once again for all the love and care and prayer cover over the last 12 years.

Much love to you all – Julie, Daniel and Andrew